Redneck joke list
A redneck gets shot
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
A redneck oil change
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Redneck wants to fight
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Rednecks Visit a Whorehouse
There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight
seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the
whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.
The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00,
and the third redneck had $15.00.
The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and
said " I got $5.00!
What do I get for $5.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said "Ginger-- take
this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!"
The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.
The oter two rednecks said "Man, what did you get for $5.00?"
The first redneck explained that she took it out of his
pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.
This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said "Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?"
The lady spoke over the intercom and said" Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!"
The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.
The other two rednecks met him and asked" Man, what did you get for $10.00?"
The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she
licked it all off.
This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, "I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?"
The lady turned on the intercom again and said" Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!"
The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.
Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, "Man, why are you so sad. What could've went wrong? You had $15.00?"
The 3rd redneck said, "Boys, she took it out of my pants,put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries,pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself."
You might be a redneck
You might be a redneck if...
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Redneck Jokes: The lawyer and the Redneck
A bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault.
"YOU STUPID HICK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls and tangled beard.
"Hick, huh?" though the redneck. "How am I gonna get outa this?"
After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. Mister Hotshot was checking his suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves, it's home made."
Mister Pinstripes did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun hrough his wool suit.
Then the redneck said "It's mighty hot today. Folks 'round here don't usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don't you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?"
The lawyer frowned: "Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That's fine for rednecks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!"
But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and socks. Then the redneck said: "Why don't you take off that fancy tie?"
"Take off my tie?" said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. "I'm a lawyer!!!" But then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie...
The redneck said: "And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we figger out what to do about this situation!"
The lawyer tried to give him an arroagnt look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but...
Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.
At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn't find the redneck... or his expensive clothes.
"Not me", the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the lawyer's clothes and holding the keys to his BMW. He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and looking like a true redneck, "Here's the keys to my pickup. Now that I've cut ya down to size, I'm waiting for the state trooper!"
redneck wedding
This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after
the
ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed,
and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes,
jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father
what happened. "Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't
good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."